“YOU GRABBED THAT FROM ME!”
Two children are working on a solar system puzzle. One has her eye on the piece that will complete Saturn. The other reaches for it first.
Many childhood conflicts begin this way. A material is taken. A game feels unfair. Someone wants to play alone, and someone else feels left out.
Our young community members, just like the elders in their community, have different ideas, personalities, expectations, and routines. These differences create opportunities for connection, but they also create the potential for conflict.
At Mountain Sun Community School, peace talks give children language for working through these moments. With guidance and practice, a disagreement becomes an opportunity to understand themselves, consider another person’s experience, and care for the community they share.
What is a peace talk?
A peace talk is a conversation that helps people express their feelings, listen to one another, and determine how to move forward.
It might sound like this:
“I feel sad that you said I couldn’t play because I wanted to build with you.”
“I hear that you feel sad. I wanted some time to build by myself.”
“Could we build together when you’re finished?”
Each child has something important to communicate. One wants connection. The other wants space. Through conversation, both have an opportunity to be understood.
This practice is connected to what Montessori educators call grace and courtesy: learning how our words and actions affect the people around us. Within a shared classroom, children practice caring for their own needs while respecting the needs of others.
Peace talks give that work a familiar structure. As children grow, the structure can grow with them.
Begin with the child in front of you
Montessori’s developmental stages, or planes of development, offer a framework for understanding children’s changing needs. The first plane spans birth to six, the second six to twelve, and the third twelve to eighteen. A fourth extends into young adulthood.
These stages are broad guides. Children develop at different rates, and their ability to navigate a disagreement can vary with the situation, their communication needs, or simply how tired they are that day.
A preschooler may need an adult to help identify a feeling. An elementary student may be ready to consider several possible solutions. An adolescent may need privacy and time before entering the conversation.
The adult’s role is to observe, offer support, and allow room for growing independence.
The first plane, birth to six: Learning the language
For our youngest children, peace begins with the example adults provide.
A toddler reaching for another child’s toy needs someone nearby who can keep bodies safe and offer simple words:
“You want the truck. She is using it. I can help you wait.”
As children move through the preschool and kindergarten years, they can begin participating more fully in peace talks. They are building emotional vocabulary and developing their ability to consider another person’s experience.
A familiar script offers a place to begin:
Child sharing a hurt: “I feel sad that you took my puzzle piece.”
Child responding: “I’m sorry I took it.”
Child sharing a hurt: “Please ask me next time.”
Child responding: “I’ll work on it.”
“I’ll work on it” leaves room for something we all need: practice.
Often, a child first describes the problem: “They took my block!” A teacher or caregiver can help them find the feeling underneath it: “How did you feel when that happened?”
The adult stays calm, keeps the conversation concrete, and supports each child in speaking and listening. When both children feel hurt, both need that opportunity.
An apology should be connected to understanding and responsibility. Some children may first be ready to return a material, help rebuild, or listen to how their actions affected someone else.
At home, try practicing with a small, ordinary disagreement. Keep it brief. Offer words when your child needs them, then leave space for their response.
The second plane, ages six to twelve: Understanding our part
During the elementary years, children become increasingly interested in fairness, responsibility, and how their community works.
Peace talks can make more room for questions:
“What happened from your perspective?”
“What part of this can you take responsibility for?”
“What do you understand about how the other person felt?”
“What could help next time?”
In my earlier writing about Mountain Sun, older students described using VOMP to guide these conversations:
Voice: Share your feelings and experience.
Own: Take responsibility for your part.
Moccasins: Consider the other person’s experience, or “walk in their shoes.”
Plan: Decide how to move forward.
Imagine two children arguing over a group project. One feels that their ideas are being ignored. The other feels that they are doing all the work. A peace talk can help them move beyond deciding who started the argument and toward an agreement about sharing decisions and responsibilities.
Younger elementary children may still need an adult to guide each step. Older children may need only a reminder or someone available nearby.
The amount of support changes as the skills become more familiar.
The third plane, ages twelve to eighteen: Taking ownership
For adolescents, relationships, belonging, and identity can bring new complexity to conflict.
The same foundations remain useful: expressing feelings, listening, accepting responsibility, and making a plan. Adults can support growing independence by asking:
“Would you like help preparing for this conversation?”
“What do you want the other person to understand?”
“What would a respectful resolution look like to you?”
Offer privacy and time. A meaningful conversation may lead to repairing a friendship, setting a boundary, or agreeing to interact differently.
Respect does not require agreement on everything. Young people can learn to acknowledge another person’s experience while remaining honest about their own.
The adult has work to do, too
Helping children through conflict asks us to manage our own responses.
This can be especially challenging with our own children. We know their histories. We recognize their frustrations. Sometimes we are already part of the disagreement.
Start with what you can observe: “I heard you both shouting about whose turn it is.” Get curious about what each child is trying to communicate. Leave enough space for them to answer.
If someone is overwhelmed, pause and return to the conversation when they are ready. If someone is being hurt or repeatedly targeted, step in directly. A peace talk does not replace an adult’s responsibility to protect children.
And when we react in a way we wish we hadn’t, we can model repair:
“I raised my voice. I’m sorry. I’m going to take a moment, and then I want to listen.”
A practice that grows with us
With repetition, the language begins to belong to the children.
A child who once needed help naming a feeling begins to say, “I feel frustrated.” Another starts to recognize that a friend needs space. Two students find a solution before an adult steps in.
These are small moments, but they matter.
When children learn to speak their needs and listen to the needs of others, they help create a community where people feel safe, welcomed, and understood. The puzzle piece may be small. The learning that happens around it can stay with them for years.
